My Mom took the est training which immediately put us on some new level of communication. We were no longer in the Mother/Daughter roles but as two women who could be straight with one another. This shift was remarkable. But the further shift occurred when she had some cysts removed from her vocal cords and there was a delay in receiving the results of the biopsy. She was upset and imagined she had cancer. My father had been tough and sarcastic with her saying she was being unnecessarily hysterical. I recognized this was his way of dealing with feelings of fear. I called the doctor, gave him hell and demanded a call with results immediately. He complied and she was fine. We both cried from relief as I held her in my arms. She was like a scared little girl. Then I told her to go wash her face, put on some clothes and lipstick and come to dinner with a smile on her face. She listened to me! Then I went downstairs and had a chat with my Dad about his insensitivity to what his wife was going through. He listened to me! When she came down, he hugged her and apologized. That was a day I saw myself as separate and perhaps even more adult than they were. (That was not the first time, but sure was dramatic because of my role as the 'wise parent'!!
Being from India, this is a challenge faced by the young adults and the adults in general. Not having separated successfully from our parents, we don't not yet know how to enable our children to be independent adults.
I am a mother myself and it is a work in process as I examine the many ways I may hold my son back and to be open to dialogue within myself and to him so that he can separate and be on his own.
I've felt this idea for years - that the relationship I have with my parents has never truly evolved to two mutually respected adults and stayed parent-child. Probably because none of us have the language or tools to do this on our own, or the energy and time needed to do this properly. Since age 18 I've lived in a different country from them and so it felt like the distance solved a lot of it, but I'd be right back to the teenager dynamics when I'd visit like that article pointed out!
I'm so curious also how this plays into dynamics when we lose a parent. My mom died unexpectedly 2 years ago and it feels like my younger sister has filled the relational gap that she left behind with me and my older sister, putting us in the mom role in some ways. With all of the complications of that relationship now getting intertwined with the sister relationship. It's so messy.
As much as I am resistant to work on the relationships with my parents ( both dead), I know change can still be made. After class this poem jumped out at me that I have saved on my phone.
This is such an interesting piece. Thank you, Satya.
My relationship with my mum strengthened when I moved into my own house and we physically separated – it was a few weeks after my 30th birthday. My maternal grandmother sadly passed away 10 days before I moved. Everything was happening at once and I’m almost certain that it accelerated the change in the relationship I have with my mum now. We physically separated at a time when we became closer than ever.
I think this is when I truly felt the parent-child relationship shift. I had to be there for her and support her more than she had to for me. Looking back, I can see the whole situation was helpful for shifting dynamics but, of course, I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.
My Mom took the est training which immediately put us on some new level of communication. We were no longer in the Mother/Daughter roles but as two women who could be straight with one another. This shift was remarkable. But the further shift occurred when she had some cysts removed from her vocal cords and there was a delay in receiving the results of the biopsy. She was upset and imagined she had cancer. My father had been tough and sarcastic with her saying she was being unnecessarily hysterical. I recognized this was his way of dealing with feelings of fear. I called the doctor, gave him hell and demanded a call with results immediately. He complied and she was fine. We both cried from relief as I held her in my arms. She was like a scared little girl. Then I told her to go wash her face, put on some clothes and lipstick and come to dinner with a smile on her face. She listened to me! Then I went downstairs and had a chat with my Dad about his insensitivity to what his wife was going through. He listened to me! When she came down, he hugged her and apologized. That was a day I saw myself as separate and perhaps even more adult than they were. (That was not the first time, but sure was dramatic because of my role as the 'wise parent'!!
Thank you for sharing this Satya.
Being from India, this is a challenge faced by the young adults and the adults in general. Not having separated successfully from our parents, we don't not yet know how to enable our children to be independent adults.
I am a mother myself and it is a work in process as I examine the many ways I may hold my son back and to be open to dialogue within myself and to him so that he can separate and be on his own.
I've felt this idea for years - that the relationship I have with my parents has never truly evolved to two mutually respected adults and stayed parent-child. Probably because none of us have the language or tools to do this on our own, or the energy and time needed to do this properly. Since age 18 I've lived in a different country from them and so it felt like the distance solved a lot of it, but I'd be right back to the teenager dynamics when I'd visit like that article pointed out!
I'm so curious also how this plays into dynamics when we lose a parent. My mom died unexpectedly 2 years ago and it feels like my younger sister has filled the relational gap that she left behind with me and my older sister, putting us in the mom role in some ways. With all of the complications of that relationship now getting intertwined with the sister relationship. It's so messy.
As much as I am resistant to work on the relationships with my parents ( both dead), I know change can still be made. After class this poem jumped out at me that I have saved on my phone.
AGAINST THE FLOW
By: Jane Clarke
One day you knew you must turn,
begin to swim against the current,
leave the estuary waters, brackish
with sediment, head upstream
through riffles and deeps,
millraces that churn in spate,
over sheets of granite, across weirs,
into rapids that thunder-pound,
squeeze between boulders,
to the upper reaches of the river,
those waters of blanket-bog brown,
where you'd find a place in gravel and silt
to hollow a dip,
to spawn a life of your own.
This is such an interesting piece. Thank you, Satya.
My relationship with my mum strengthened when I moved into my own house and we physically separated – it was a few weeks after my 30th birthday. My maternal grandmother sadly passed away 10 days before I moved. Everything was happening at once and I’m almost certain that it accelerated the change in the relationship I have with my mum now. We physically separated at a time when we became closer than ever.
I think this is when I truly felt the parent-child relationship shift. I had to be there for her and support her more than she had to for me. Looking back, I can see the whole situation was helpful for shifting dynamics but, of course, I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.
Hayley xo