R asks: I'm 35 and navigating a really tumultuous moment through, ironically, also one of the happiest periods of my life.
After years of painful hookups and bad swipes, I met my life partner. With tremendous support from a therapist, I've separated from a very codependent dynamic from my high caste South Asian family. I found a spiritual path and community in my hometown that has been a powerful anchor for finding myself and a sense of equanimity in my life. Still, the tumult comes from uncertainty: My partner and I live long distance, and because of a myriad of factors including the economy, being together in the same city is tough right now.
The initial celebration I courted when I got engaged this year now feels clouded by doubt: Onlookers wondering aloud what kind of life I might be leading if I'm in a long distance marriage; family openly praying my relationship breaks. I'm left wondering about what happens next: do children make sense for us? Does the city I live in make sense when it's so clearly unaffordable for me?
It feels like the moment I started to forge a path for my own life, so many hungry ghosts of doubt and challenging circumstances arose to greet me. With my family more and more confused about who I am and the decisions I'm making for myself, I feel unmoored. I wake up from panicked visions of giving birth alone, of family members dying feeling disappointment towards me. In my waking hours, I search for the next big project or accomplishment to commit to. I do feel happiness, but it's not been a period of happiness that provides certainty. I also have dreams of following spiritual paths, of laughter and love, of terrifying unknowns.
The foundation of what you seem to be struggling with is that you’re a Stability Type who is starting, as you say, to “forge a path” towards meaning for your own, individual life. This is a beautiful thing. You fell in love! Congratulations!
Of course, the problem is that it comes at a cost. Becoming oneself in the midst of enmeshed relationships very often means that other people will view the emergence of your deepest self as a threat. You are disrupting what they had imagined for a shared future together. But codependence will always be disrupted by personal growth. It is necessary and okay.
I am very sad to hear that your family is “openly praying” for the end of your relationship. No matter what they think about your partner, it’s unacceptable behavior. You are an adult. There is no excuse for your family to announce their hope that you lose someone or something you love. Nor is there any excuse for threats that you’ll lose them if you follow your dreams.
This kind of family dynamic may succeed in keeping an adult child close for a while, but it ultimately breeds resentment and pain in the long term. While there are always cultural differences around parents’ expectations for their adult children, mutual respect is a requirement of any relationship. Coercion and disapproval don’t work in conservative Christian households that force gay children to suppress who they are, and they don’t work in high-caste South Asian households that try to suppress unsanctioned love marriages. You shouldn’t have to cut off a part of yourself to be accepted.
Facing this is part of the growth you’re stepping into now. In fact, I don’t think the issues with your family or your growing doubt are a side-effect of your falling in love so much as core to your development right now.
A mainstay of adult development is to fight for your own independent life against a lack of understanding from your parent(s) and community. This is part of individual evolution. In big or small ways, we all have to do this—though, some people certainly have a harder time of it than others.
You say that your family is confused about what you’re up to and that, in turn, you are feeling unmoored. I can’t help but wonder if the problem here is really that you took a step towards your independent life and then have since taken two steps back.
You’re surrounded by your family, who are very clear in their perception about who you are and are not. They are mirroring a specific reality back to you en force. Meanwhile, the person you call your life partner is somewhere far away. You see them less and have far less history with them. Given this arrangement, gnawing doubt seems inevitable.
Rather than live in doubt, what would it mean to double down on your initial instinct instead? Can you take another risk and trust what’s calling you forward?
There are further questions you’ve raised about economic difficulties. I didn’t get a full picture of the scope from what you’re describing, but you have said that your hometown, where you’re living, is unaffordable. So, I can’t help but wonder if there is a solution that involves moving away. I’m sure you’ve considered this many times, but I feel like it’s worth a nudge—if there’s any way to make it work, it’s probably worth it. The added separation from your family is likely to give you some space to think for yourself.
Ultimately, you need to prove yourself to yourself at this moment. The more that your family’s perception of you undermines your trust in your decision-making, the more you’re likely to give up on your dreams. Once that initial momentum dies away, it’s harder to get it back. You’ll doubt yourself in a deeper way later and wonder if you were just being silly or naive the first time around.
I have no idea what challenges lie ahead for you, and I’m not suggesting any of this is easy. But when we’re truly on our own paths, even mistakes and struggles feel more fulfilling than living with the vague knowledge that we’re evading our true lives. There’s something very significant about the clarity you express about the life you want. And one thing seems clear: The status quo of the past has needed to be severed and transformed. Trust in the future you see for yourself and your determination to live your life on your own terms. For now, happiness may not deliver the same kind of certainty that it has in the past. But, as you courageously set off in pursuit of love and your individual meaning, that uncertainty might actually be the point.
xo, Satya
Do you have a question for a future edition of “Something Better Than This”? Just respond to this email or send a note to satya[@]quarterlife.org
It’s lovely to read that someone is in the happiest period of their life. It’s not something that we hear about often. But I’m so sorry to read about what R is experiencing with their family. It sounds incredibly tough.
I deeply resonate with being a Stability Type who is now finding meaning. It’s something that I’ve been thinking about a lot since reading your wonderful book, Quarterlife. Experiencing shifts in my relationships has been interesting to see from the inside, and now I’ve realised that I’m disrupting what others had imagined for our relationship. I think it’s something that I, and those around me, are still working though. An interesting and testing time in equal measure!