Something Better Than This

How do I decide where to live next?

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A asks: For the past year, my partner and I have been traveling and we’re now ready to move into a place of our own. With remote work that doesn't require us to be in person, it feels impossible to decide where to go. There are places we love where we don't have friends, but it feels daunting to move somewhere without the promise of meeting people through work. We have lots of friends in big cities, but it's expensive to live there and difficult to share a small apartment with two people working from home. Remote work has given us unlimited choices, but what we really want is community. I've been thinking a lot about decision-making in quarterlife and how difficult it can be. There's so much advice out there, and I've found it more challenging than ever to listen to my gut. Do we move somewhere new and build a community from the ground up, or do we move to a city that we don't love to be close to people we do? And how do we handle differences in our opinions?

When I first read your question, I felt so much empathy and remembered my own confusion with decision-making in my 20s. It wasn’t just what’s the right decision? but also how does anyone ever know how to make the right decision?? It always felt so loaded and overwhelming.

At one point in my late twenties, I was living in an incredible home with a balcony overlooking the ocean on one of the most beautiful coastlines in the country for free and I was… depressed. Every day, I tried to talk myself out of what was increasingly clear to me: this wasn’t where I wanted to live. My rational mind alone was likely never going to decide to leave because nowhere else would make better sense financially and I was fine. I was safe and well taken care of and, on paper, should have been thrilled. But I knew it wasn’t my place. Even though I wasn’t quite sure where the right place for me was, I ultimately decided to move back to Portland where I had some friends and knew I felt comfortable culturally. There was a lot of work ahead of me to build up a rich community and sort things out professionally, but as soon as I arrived, my body relaxed and I felt happier.

You will, in time, figure this out.

You didn’t say much about this in your question, but from experience, there are likely to be tiny tendrils of other people’s thoughts and feelings making their way into your decision-making process. In my book, I talk about the importance of Separating your own thoughts and feelings from those around you. Even if we’re not aware of it yet, other people’s perceptions and perspectives can muddy our minds. I’d start by making a list of all of the opinions, desires, and advice on this topic that you may have received, whether stated directly or implied. My guess is that whether they’re in the front of your mind or in your deep unconscious, you’re carrying influences from other people that may hold considerable weight in sorting out what happens next. It’s important to bring those perspectives to the surface and out in the open so you know if they’re driving your interest or reluctance in one place or another.

Maybe it’s a friend who is kind of dependent on you and really wants you to move to where they are; a group of friends from college who you don’t even really like that much anymore but who are always posting reels that make you feel jealous; a parent who thinks one place is the obvious choice in case you have kids in the near future; or your partner who has strong feelings about moving to one particular place and makes you feel like you’re just being stubborn for not agreeing. Of course, I have no idea what you’re carrying, but I think a good place to start is to notice those influences, if you’re feeling them. Ask your partner to do the same thing! If nothing else, it may clear up communication between you and your partner and help to clarify if other people have, invisibly, been part of your conversations.

It’s not easy work to differentiate what you are feeling from all of those influences, but it will transform your ability to make decisions in the future.

Then, there’s the juicy, muddy, sparkling work of identifying your own wants and needs.

Many decisions are a process of mediating between your rational mind and your intuitive, embodied self. Despite a lot of cultural indoctrination that places emphasis on being rational, most of us need to detox from a belief that that’s the only “smart” way to make a decision. At this point in my life, I’ve learned to allow myself to trust both the rational and the “irrational” equally, just as I value the “masculine” and the “feminine” equally. Ultimately, the two need to be in a deep dialogue versus a kind of toxic hierarchy; that rebalancing is likely the larger story that’s unfolding for you here.

So to those ends, after clarifying who else may inadvertently be in this conversation, grab a notebook and on the right-hand side, allow your rational mind to make all the lists about money and friends and apartment size and practicality, then on the left-hand side, write down your dreams from last night that you don’t yet understand, what the Tarot cards say or your astrology for right now suggests, write down every feeling that shows up even if they’re completely contradictory and what your body feels like when you think of each possible location.

Give both the practical thoughts and the impractical thoughts equal space and, like a good parent or a good couples therapist, insist that they learn to communicate without dominance, abuse, or condescension. Give them each their time and before trying to come to a conclusion hold any tension that might arise between them.

Learning to hold the tension of opposites or of uncertainty is a huge developmental task. It means suffering what might feel uncomfortable in order to allow something new to emerge, rather than forcing a solution that’s not ready to be found. Holding the tension means trusting that there is a solution, even though it might require time, sleep, boredom, confusion, or a flash of synchronicity for clarity to emerge.

No matter what, remember that it’s also okay in all this to make one decision now and a different one later on. I know you’ve been traveling a lot already for a long time and you’re ready to settle down, but this doesn’t need to be the final move. Stay in this time as best as you know it and do your best to just make the right next decision versus the right decision for the rest of your life. You don’t want to hamper your ability to step into the next chapter because of the weight of not-making-the-wrong-decision-and-being-stuck-forever.

Finally, wherever you move, I think it’s a good idea to plan to make the effort to meet new friends and create new community. Join a pick-up sports league; volunteer somewhere for something that is important to you; pursue a hobby you’ve been curious about deepening into through a live workshop or gathering. Regardless of where you’re headed, I think you’re going to want to expand your horizons. And if you commit to doing that no matter what, does that change what feels right to you?

xo,

Satya